Personal boundaries matter. Here’s how to enforce them.

Personal boundaries are complicated. Setting, maintaining, and enforcing them is hard for many people, especially for those of us who are pleasers. I’ve struggled with this my whole life, and I continue to work on it every day.

Some of my biggest regrets stem from times I didn’t insist on clear personal boundaries, and some of my moments of greatest pride were times I stuck to my values, even though the consequences were dire.

No one will set personal boundaries for you

While some conflict around personal boundaries is simply a matter of misunderstanding (e.g. when one person is “direct and brutally honest” and the other person is “empathetic and considerate”), much of the time we’re in situations where our boundaries are under assault from systems or people who want more, more, more.

Unfortunately, you’re on your own. No one else is going to set boundaries for you.

The workplace is a perfect example. Even highly empathetic leaders are likely to let you give more than they’re asking for. Your boss’ job is to ensure you’re as effective as possible, not to tell you to work less.

Another example, of course, is being in a relationship with an extremely selfish, controlling, or manipulative person. To such people, your personal boundaries are just inconvenient speed bumps on the way to whatever they want.

Takers gonna take. Takers are not going to proactively set boundaries for you. They’re not going to honor your unspoken boundaries. And many won’t honor your clearly defined boundaries without testing them to the absolute limits.

Why setting, maintaining, and enforcing personal boundaries is so hard

It doesn’t really matter what type of person you are if your personal boundaries are under assault by someone intent on pushing past them. That said, some people are more prone to capitulation than others.

Pleasers have a hard time identifying their personal boundaries. I’m a pleaser. We want people to like us, to think we’re nice people who care about their feelings. We expect everyone else to think that way, too, so we never ask for any consideration because… shouldn’t they just give it without being asked? Instead, our reward is to get taken for granted.

Givers have a hard time maintaining their personal boundaries. Givers figure if they just work a little harder, give a little more, then the taker will be satisfied and might not keep asking for so much. Instead, their reward is to be asked to give even more.

The fearful have a hard time enforcing their personal boundaries. They fear the consequences of holding fast, whether that’s losing a job, losing a relationship, or something else equally dire. Sometimes those potential outcomes are real; sometimes they’re only imagined. The reward for loosening your personal boundaries from a position of fear, however, is simply to perpetuate the situation that is keeping you fearful.

Why holding to your personal boundaries is essential

When you draw a line, there have to be consequences for crossing that line. When someone crosses that line without suffering any consequences, it not only eliminates the legitimacy of that original line, but it weakens the legitimacy of any future line you may try to draw.

Every time you let someone ignore or push back against your personal boundaries, you’re teaching them that your boundaries don’t really exist. That they are just pretend.

If you don’t believe in your own personal boundaries, why should they?

What personal boundaries require

Setting and enforcing personal boundaries sounds simple, but there’s no hard and fast recipe for success. That’s because you often don’t know when or where your boundaries will be tested, or by whom.

1. Figure out where your line is

If you don’t know how far you’re willing to be pushed, you can’t expect anyone else to know either. There’s only one person responsible for determining your personal boundaries, and that’s you. They’re personal boundaries, after all.

Sometimes it takes someone crossing your line for you to recognize where the line is, but I guarantee there is a line. The sooner you figure out where your line is, the more confident you will be when it comes time to stand fast. Identifying your core values might be a good place to start.

2. Be clear with others about where the line is

You can’t expect other people to read your mind. No one thinks exactly as you do, so to expect them to intuit your personal boundaries is unreasonable.

Unfortunately, most of the conversations we have about our personal boundaries is when they are being tested or challenged, so we rarely get to practice talking about them. This lack of practice creates a lack of confidence, leaving us tongue-tied or silent when we have to express why we have a particular boundary.

Journaling about such situations can let you imagine and work through scenarios (both hypothetical and real) where your boundaries might be tested. In your journal, you can practice talking about these difficult subjects, and build up your confidence in knowing what to say and how you want to say it.

3. Enforce the consequences of crossing the line

When someone crosses one of your lines and refuses to make amends, know what responses you’re willing and able to make. Would you quit a job? Would you leave your significant other? How about estranging yourself from friends or family members?

Sometimes it’s best to give yourself time before announcing or implementing such consequences. One of my best managers had a “24 hour rule,” where she would take 24 hours before responding in any way to something that caused a strong emotional reaction.

It can seem impossible to hold off for 24 hours, but I can testify that even a little perspective can dramatically change how you choose to act. You may need to let people know they’ll have to wait for your response. That act of making them wait can, on its own, be an act of claiming some of your power in the situation.

4. Accept the consequences of holding the line

Sometimes, holding fast to your personal boundaries means that you will be the one to suffer difficult consequences. It’s up to you to decide whether those potential consequences will be worse than compromising your personal boundaries.

This may be a case-by-case decision, and there may be times when the potential consequences are so dire that you simply can’t afford to hold fast. In these cases, try to figure out how you can make the compromise temporary rather than permanent. For example, work on finding a new job before you quit your current one.

And sometimes, the consequences that look dire will lead you to a better situation. At one job, I refused to give in to what I thought were unreasonable demands from a perpetually abusive boss. As expected, I was fired a week later. I have no regrets and am proud of myself for holding on to my integrity. I then fell into another job that turned out to be an amazing, wonderful situation.

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