They won’t remember anything before the “but”

“You know I love you, but…”

“You’re doing great at your job this year! Really killing it! But…”

“That was a delicious dinner, hon, but…”

“Great job, Team. We hit our fundraising goal for this event. But…”

Trust me: No one remembers anything before the “but.”

The Oreo cookie and the big but

By now, nearly everyone knows the technique that I learned as the “Oreo method” of giving feedback: you have a tough message to tell someone, and you don’t want to just drop it on them, so you start with something positive, follow it with the difficult message, and end with something positive to build them back up.

In general, I agree with the intent. In order to be receptive to the hard message, people need to be in a receptive frame of mind. Opening them up with a positive statement can do that.

Most people, however, now understand how this works. So, while you’re giving them the initial positive thing, they stop listening to the positive and simply start listening for the “but.”

You know this feeling. Someone’s talking to you and you’re following along… then suddenly your brain goes, ah, there it is, that big “but.” Here comes the bad part.

And you discard everything before the “but.”

The Oreo cookie, or the shit sandwich?

A friend the other day referred to this a “shit sandwich,” which not only made me laugh but accurately describes how this technique can come across. A lovely bit of sweet bread on either side of a piece of shit.

You won’t remember the sweet bread, but you sure will remember the shit in between.

No matter how long that sweet prologue is, it’s still a prologue, which means it’s not part of the actual story.

And no matter how sweetly they try to finish, the aftertaste will not so easily rinse away.

No, you can’t just switch to “and”

Some people who think they’re very clever replace the “but” with “and.” Someone told them that but is a negative word, but and is a uniting word! So it’s better!

But it’s not. They’re still serving up that shit sandwich. Instead of “but there’s shit between these pieces of bread,” they’ve switched to “and there’s shit between these pieces of bread.”

I still believe in the Oreo thing

Despite what I have said above, I still believe the “Oreo” method to be useful much of the time, particularly for people with higher emotional intelligence and in situations where the people involved have a strong relationship of trust.

Why? Because there is no “but” in the delivery. It is a full, real conversation based on a foundation of trust and safety. The positive part is genuine. The criticism is clear and actionable. The learning that results is powerful.

When the Oreo method fails, the problem usually lies in the fact that the opening positive statement is little more than a cynical attempt to manipulate the other person. Everyone can see right through that. Don’t do that.

If you haven’t built trust and safety with the other person, you won’t build it in the span of a single moment of positivity. If you haven’t developed strong emotional intelligence, deploying the techniques you read in a blog post won’t make it seem like you have.

Instead, deliver your feedback clearly (remember that “clear” is not the same as “cruel”) and directly (remember that “direct” is not the same as “heartless”).

That is, skip the first part and go straight to what comes after the “but.” They won’t remember or believe the first part anyway.

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