Three simple tools of resilience

Tools of resilience are the things we draw upon when we have to respond to or recover from a crisis. Most of us keep important tools of resilience close at hand without even thinking of them as such.

A few weeks ago, one of my clients had a bit of a crying jag during our session. Deep, emotional moments happen sometimes in coaching, and that’s okay. She was prepared, however, and after the emotional moment had passed, she showed me her box of tissues. “I keep this nearby, just in case of future emotions.”

Resilience is a lot easier when the tools for dealing with a crisis are right at hand.

A box of tissues is one of the simplest tools of resilience. You know you’re going to have emotions (or maybe a cold) in the future, so you prepare yourself with things you can use to help get you through it.

Although people tend to be good about having physical tools nearby (e.g. tissue boxes), we tend to be less intentional about preparing ourselves with emotional tools of resilience that you can’t buy at the store.

Here are three simple tools of resilience you can implement right now to help prepare yourself for future emotions (in addition to making sure you have enough tissues handy):

1. Articulate your personal values

Take 20 to 30 minutes to write down the things that matter most to you. Use my values exercise or any other method you like. Pare down your long list to the top three, being intensely clear about what is truly important to you as opposed to what you think should be important to you.

Crises often present a clash of values—most often between things you truly hold dear and things others tell you you should hold dear—so having thought out in advance what is most important to you can help make decisions clearer when ambivalence, ambiguity, or chaos are taking over.

2. Create a “gratitude jar” or a “success jar”

Keep a pile of good things to remember when the going gets tough. Get a big jar and a bunch of small pieces of paper. Write down something you’re grateful for on each piece of paper, and put them in the jar. Keep the jar somewhere within reach (maybe next to the box of tissues), and any time you feel down or stressed, pull out one of the pieces of paper and think deeply about what it says. Remind yourself how good things are.

If you’re more in need of self-confidence boosts, create a success jar instead. Write down things you’ve done that you’re proud of, or praise you’ve received from others. Whenever you need a shot in the arm, pull out a past success and contemplate it. Remind yourself how awesome you are.

If you aren’t into jars and paper, it’s not hard to do this electronically. 

3. Identify your personal support network

A huge part of resilience is being able to count on others when you need help. Crises make us feel isolated and alone, and it often feels like you’ve got no one you can turn to. Write out a list of the people you know you can turn to for different types of support, whether it’s for advice about life or work, venting off some stress, cheerleading, or practical help like watching the kids for the evening.

Who are your allies when times get tough? Simply listing them out when you’re not in crisis will help to remind you you’re not truly alone when the crisis hits. Once you’ve given yourself permission to seek help, the people who show up may surprise you.

Resilience isn’t all innate

I’ve often been called the stabilizing influence in the room. Setbacks and crises rarely keep me down long. That’s not because I’m better than other people, or because of my personality type, positivity, or self-confidence.

It’s because I stay fully stocked with the tools of resilience. Keeping my values front and center, being keenly aware of how good life is, and knowing I have allies to rely on help keep things in perspective so little problems don’t balloon into existential crises.

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This simple worksheet helps identify your core values. Many of my clients find it surprisingly eye-opening, and it’s helped people make some big life decisions. Get it here.

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Compassion fatigue can hit anyone in a caring role. RELIT: How to Rekindle Yourself in the Darkness of Compassion Fatigue provides practical, relevant, actionable advice on avoiding and overcoming compassion fatigue and caregiver burnout. Seventeen different experts from a variety of backgrounds, cultures, and professions tell their personal stories and share their hard-earned wisdom in this book that’s been called a “must-read for anyone in a caring role.”

Download my chapter for free, entitled Show up. Try hard. Be nice. Professional coaches who regularly help other people work through their life and work traumas must pay close attention to self-regulation and our own personal resilience, or we can easily get burned out.

My chapter, based on my own experience with compassion fatigue for the first time, explains the things I do to stay centered, stay focused, and bring my “A Game” to every single client, every time.