A fulfilling life: three must-dos

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Part of my fulfilling life happened last weekend, when I presented my new book, RELIT, at the Portland Book Festival as part of the Willamette Writers signing table.

One thing I’ve learned from coaching over 200 people in the last two years is that everyone wants a fulfilling life. They may say it in different ways, but the word fulfilling always applies.

What five words describe a “fulfilling life” to you?

In this moment, as I write this post in a café in a supermarket on a rainy day, I would pick these five words to paint the picture of the fulfilling life I want:

• creative
• peaceful
• connected
• humorous
• honest

Ask me in a week, and I might change one or two of those words, but I think directionally speaking these are pretty much how it’s going to be for this season of my life.

The changing seasons of life

When I was in my teens and learning about life, I would have come up with a different set of words. So, too, in my 20s when I was newly married and beginning my career. Then in my 30s as I became a parent. And again in my 40s, when I was writing novels, making my mark professionally, and parenting a teen with suicidal depression.

Now, in my mid 50s with so many things changing, I’m looking at a very different definition of a “fulfilling life.”

Guess how many books I signed in my 30 minutes at the signing table at the book festival? Zero.

Guess how disappointed I am by that? Not at all.

That’s because I am keenly in touch with what is meaningful to me. I understand my own purpose, my own definitions of success, and how creating this book and attending the festival provide profound fulfillment. It’s not about the sales or signing. Not for me.

Defining your fulfilling life

When you’re trying to describe your fulfilling life, you need to get very clear on what you really want. To do that, you must do three things:

1. Ignore what others think you should want

If you’re stuck in someone else’s definition of fulfillment, you may feel like a failure or always end up disappointed. You feel like you’re on the wrong track, even though all the shoulds tell you you’re doing it right.

For example, when I ask my older clients about the life they look forward to in retirement, nearly everyone includes “travel” among their desires. For most, that’s a default answer. After all, doesn’t everyone want to travel in retirement?

But few can readily explain what it is about “travel” they find fulfilling. Adventure? Personal growth? Inspiration? A glamorous lifestyle? Escape?

Are those the same words they would use to describe the fulfillment they imagine for the coming season of their life?

How about when no one else is listening? That is, when they separate their own intrinsic desires from what they think their peers, their family members, their coworkers, and their community expect them to want.

Most of us spend so much of our lives negotiating externally imposed value systems that by the time we get to a certain age, we’ve forgotten how to listen just to ourselves. Some of us have even forgotten how to want something for ourselves, outside the context of all our other obligations.

In my case, writing, editing, and publishing are part of my fulfilling life. In particular, creating RELIT has hit most of my five fulfillment words. While I would love to sell ten million copies and be interviewed on NPR and Colbert, those things are not necessary for my fulfilling life.

2. Rethink what you used to want

Periods of transition are hard. As you move from one season of life to another, you need to look forward to what will be fulfilling in your new season and let go of what you used to find fulfilling.

When I blew out my knee (the second time), I had to come to peace with the idea that my amateur soccer career was over. It had been an integral part of my joy, my health routine, and my community. Without soccer available to me, I have had to embrace new ways of being joyful, keeping healthy, and finding community.

This morning I spoke with a client who is in that slow transition from “parent of children” to “parent of adults.” It’s a transition many parents aren’t trained for, so as their children eagerly try to break free and become independent, the parents feel pulled apart.

They cling to past ideas of what being a parent meant (intentionally or unintentionally) instead of embracing their new situation. They slip into frustration and resentment, and their children pull away even more.

If these parents think deeply and honestly about what a future fulfilling life would comprise, they will be much more likely to find their clear north star and be more able to envision a positive future. They will look ahead to their role as peer-adult and find it easier to let go of their role of overseer-parent.

If they get stuck tethered to what made the last season of their lives fulfilling instead of refiguring what a fulfilling life looks like in the future, they’re about to face a long period of difficulty, conflict, and resentment.

3. Think critically about what you admire in others

One of my coaching go-tos when people are trying to move forward in their careers is to ask them about the people they admire.

This can be a tar pit question, though. You can get stuck in a dangerous spot with this one.

Why? Because often, the people we admire are the people who have strengths that are different from our own. We admire those people because they seem so effortless with things that we find difficult.

For example, I admire people who exude self-confidence and who can sell with determined tenacity, like one of my old bosses who relished doing battle in the sales arena. He was good at it. He loved it.

If I spent my energy trying to emulate him, I would 100% of the time feel like the proverbial fish out of water. I would be in constant discomfort. Success would be elusive. I would definitely not feel I was leading a fulfilling life.

In fact, just the opposite.

It’s good to admire people. But it’s important to think critically about what it is you admire about them, and whether that maps to who you are or not. Don’t spend your life chasing after the wrong ideals or ignoring your own talents trying to be someone else.

Start your fulfilling life today

A decade ago, my sister wanted to talk with me about planning out the second half of her life. We never got to have that conversation.

I’m now two years older than she ever got to be, and although the realities of existing in a capitalist society impose themselves on me daily, I am dedicated to living what I consider is a fulfilling life. I don’t want to get to my final day, whenever that may be, wishing I could start over or do it all differently.

I started living my fulfilling life on the day that I decided to choose peace over achievement, and even though it took some time and a lot of self-reflection and self-work, and even though I still need to nudge myself back on track from time to time, I think I’m doing a pretty good job.

Don’t wait for some time in the future to start living your own fulfilling life. You may miss your one opportunity.

Get started right now.

What five words would you choose today?

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Download my chapter from RELIT free

Compassion fatigue can hit anyone in a caring role. RELIT: How to Rekindle Yourself in the Darkness of Compassion Fatigue provides practical, relevant, actionable advice on avoiding and overcoming compassion fatigue and caregiver burnout. Seventeen different experts from a variety of backgrounds, cultures, and professions tell their personal stories and share their hard-earned wisdom in this book that’s been called a “must-read for anyone in a caring role.”

Download my chapter for free, entitled Show up. Try hard. Be nice. Professional coaches who regularly help other people work through their life and work traumas must pay close attention to self-regulation and our own personal resilience, or we can easily get burned out.

My chapter, based on my own experience with compassion fatigue for the first time, explains the things I do to stay centered, stay focused, and bring my “A Game” to every single client, every time.