I got the wonderful experience this morning of letting someone off the hook. Someone who said they planned to contribute a chapter to my upcoming book called to back out.

I’m disappointed. She has an interesting story, could benefit from being in the book, and would add a useful dimension to the end product. And I could hear in her voice that she was conflicted about backing out.

I could have tried to talk her into it. I’ve seen the profound healing effect that writing for an audience (under the gentle guidance of a skilled editor) can have. I know that adding “author” to her bio could help her as she builds her own business. I am certain her story would be inspiring and educational to my readers. But none of that mattered because it’s not the right time for her.

She has reasons that rationalize her decision to back out. But really? I don’t need to be convinced. A simple “not right for me at this time” is sufficient.

In my experience, trying to force-fit someone into an opt-in project they don’t feel ready for is like putting a pebble in your shoe at the beginning of a long trek. At the very least, you’ll have to deal with a constant, relentless irritation; in some cases, the presence of the pebble does so much damage over time that you can’t even walk anymore.

If one of the contributors isn’t fully internally aligned on contributing to the project, how can the project be in full alignment?

Sometimes you can help that person identify and resolve whatever resistance they have to participating in the project. More often, I’ve found, you end up burying that resistance deeper beneath a veneer of capitulation or enthusiasm. You haven’t removed the pebble; you’ve just moved it to a place where it doesn’t hurt in this moment. Bigger troubles await down the road when that pebble reasserts itself and it’s too late to turn back.

So I let her off the hook. Then I thanked her for allowing me to help her declutter her mental, emotional, and spiritual space by releasing her from this commitment.

I heard her exhale over the phone. Tension melted from her voice. She laughed. And she thanked me.

And although I am disappointed she won’t be included in this project, I am confident she did the right thing for her, and I did the right thing for this book.

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