The Life Coach at the Death Cafe

Last week I went to my second Death Cafe. The first was fascinating. The second was inspiring. The two discussions were nothing alike.

What is a death café? It’s a gathering of strangers over tea and snacks to have a gently facilitated discussion about death.

The topics ranged from body composting, to hospice care, to near-death experiences and ghost sightings, to personal stories and opinions of all kinds. People engaged in thought-provoking, respectful, honest and vulnerable conversation.

I’m not someone who is fascinated by death, but I do think people don’t talk about it nearly enough.

We should talk about death

People don’t go to a life coach to talk about death, but I believe it should be part of many life coaching conversations.

I don’t mean in the typical sense that death is usually discussed. In our achievement-oriented culture, we treat death as a project. We talk about end-of-life care, estate planning, funeral arrangements.

Those are important discussions to have with your loved ones and your tax advisor, but there’s another discussion you should be having with yourself, and maybe with your life coach.

No one lives happily ever after

When we’re little, we’re told stories which appear to have happy endings but which, really, have no ending at all. People who “live happily ever after” don’t have an ending, even when the next two words in the book are “The End.” The story ends, but the characters do not.

Then, we grow up in a society that denies impermanence at every turn. Many religions and cultural traditions demand the soul is immortal, or the ancestors are watching. This implies that we, of course, are also immortal and permanent.

We’re also bombarded with messages that aging and death are to be fought, tooth and nail, at all costs. Women in particular aren’t supposed to show aging. Because, of course, we must not only be forever, but we must also forever young and vibrant.

Maybe all this is why so many people have a fascination with creating things that will outlast them. Art, literature, enterprises, structures… something to carry their name long into the future. Something to make them permanent. Something to make them feel like they will never die.

We read Shakespeare’s works, marvel at Michelangelo’s sculptures, and celebrate the “immortality” of the people who made them. This kind of immortality is the opposite of “happily ever after.” The characters end, but their story lives on.

Yet Shakespeare and Michelangelo are just as dead as their forgotten next-door neighbors and the billions upon billions of other people who have lived and died. You can’t bump into them on the street or take them to dinner or tell them how much you like their work.

So what’s the point of it all, then?

That’s exactly the question you need to come to terms with. No one can avoid death. It is inevitable for us all.

I once saw a young comedian (I forget who) start their bit with, “I need to tell you all, I’m dying.” Their plant in the audience then shouted out, “Oh my god, what do you have?” and the audience of course expected the answer to be cancer or something similar. The comedian delivered the punchline: “A body.”

I’m quite sure he understood how this unnerved a number of his audience, even as they laughed at being tricked. For a brief moment, he opened the door to thinking about their own mortality. Because they, too, had bodies.

And so to you and I. I will end. You will end. Our next-door neighbors will end. None of us can stop that. Avoiding the truth won’t change the truth.

Talking about it, however, can be liberating.

Talk it through at a death cafe

One participant in the death café who had been caregiving a loved one told me afterwards that accepting death as an inevitable fact allowed them to stop fighting against it. They were putting so much energy into fighting against their loved one’s impending death that they had no energy left over for living their own life.

Even worse, they realized they were doing all the wrong things for their loved one. They were trying to prolong a painful life in decline instead of enrich and make comfortable this person through the end of their life.

So they stopped fighting against nature and looked for ways to be in harmony with it. The story had a lovely and true end. Even though the sadness at losing their loved one is real and profound, the exit was so much more serene, comfortable, and pain-free than it would have been.

Living in harmony, not discord

When you fight against an inevitability, you create discord and tension. When you embrace the inevitability, you open up new possibilities and become much more present in life.

Talking about death in an honest, open-minded, curious way is a powerful path to self-awareness, clarity of belief, and getting in touch with your core values.

It can help you figure out what meaning life holds for you, and what you really want from this very short existence. Only when you know that can you work towards achieving it.

Sign up for a free coaching consultation

Looking to be a better leader? Contemplating a career change? Struggling with a big life question? Want to write or publish a book? Thinking about retirement? I can help. Schedule a free coaching session now.

Get my core values exercise free

This simple worksheet helps identify your core values. Many of my clients find it surprisingly eye-opening, and it’s helped people make some big life decisions. Get it here.